A Secret Pleasure at the Gym

recumbent bike trainers with TV monitors on top

recumbent bike trainers with TV monitors on top

No, it’s not the swimming pool. It’s not the hot tub. It’s not the gorgeous male trainers.

It’s the closed captions.

Some machines at the gym have TV monitors attached so users won’t become bored. A wise move.

My first day on the recumbent bike, I said to myself, “Oh, pish-tosh! I don’t need television. I have an active mind and a rich internal life.”

The second day, I discovered my internal life isn’t rich enough to keep me pedaling for twenty minutes without my active mind imploding. So–on with the TV. Since I hadn’t brought earbuds, I turned on the closed captions.

Viewing choices are limited: some cable movies, lots of sports, a travel show, all about as stimulating as watching your knees rise and fall. But one news station runs unscripted programs, most related to business and the economy.

And the closed captions for those unscripted programs are a hoot.

During one session, I managed to take notes. Here are some of the fragments I recorded. Remember, the program was about finance, and my knees were moving up and down at 9.4 mph.

 Captions

 1. … when people gathered to talk about the economy and cucumbers…

2. …too much of Peoria for political to sin…

3. …when like at Europe the monkey is struggling and falling apart…

4. …and to see Barry big surprise interest from some pastries…

5. …we have the armpit that all of our options fade with time…

6. …the importance of a kiwi in Europe…

7. …call the stow the hillbilly of what is coming…

8. …take on a ministry the comics not to forget…

9. …the markets found some milk without the markets coming up…

10. …learned from a tumor and people said a tomato…

All that in just one session of violent bodily exertion. What more could I want?

Yesterday earbuds were available, but plugging them in didn’t cross my mind. Nor did announcing my find.

Those captions are my own little secret. When other cyclers look my way, wondering why I laugh aloud, they can just wonder.

And when the rest of the health nuts have dropped out from indolence and ennui, and I alone register perfect attendance, and when the muscleiest trainer can’t drag me off the bike, the Powers That Be will admire, nay revere, me. And they will give me head pats.

Gad, I love those headpats.

*

If you missed yesterday’s post about torture at the gym, you can read it at O Treachery, Thy Name Is Puller-Downer Thingey.

And yes, I’m pretty wiped out today.

wiped out

pretty wiped out

O Treachery, Thy Name Is Puller-Downer Thingey

Brightly colored instruments of torture, heavier than they look.

052

hand weights

More colorful double-dealers.

046 balls

exercise balls

For strengthening the core. Deceptively innocent in appearance, but treacherous at its core. One mission: to unseat the trusting rider. Passive-aggressive.

Nemesis

Nemesis

For strengthening the cardio-pulmonary system. Old technology corrupted by new. See below.

recumbent bike trainers

recumbent bike trainers

Digital conspiracy #1: Information dump–time, speed,calories, watts, resistance, heart rate–heart rate? None detected. So much for cardio.

recumbent bike: "NO HEARTBEAT DETECTED"

recumbent bike trainer monitor: “NO HEARTBEAT DETECTED”

Digital conspiracy #2: TV monitor/pacifier. Vast wasteland pulls cyclist in, won’t let go. Twenty-minute rep turns into forty. Dr. Phil. “Shape It Up, Woo Woo!” (I did not make that up. It’s in Wikipedia.)

recumbent bike trainer TV monitor: Dr. Phil

recumbent bike trainer TV monitor: Dr. Phil

Vile trickery.  Toil masquerading as recreation. It seemed like fun. Too long did I tarry.

puller-downer thingey

puller-downer thingey

Today’s lessons:

1. When the trainer says to do 12 of something, do 12. Don’t do 30.

2. When you’re counting, pay attention. If you think you’ve done 12, don’t do another 8 or 10 just to make sure.

3. When the trainer says to go home and ice something, go home and ice it. Don’t forget and then decided it’ll probably loosen up and resume bending of its own accord.

4. When the sky opens and water pours onto the parking lot only three minutes before your cardio session is set to end, don’t just keep pedaling until the downpour stops. That’s too much pedaling.

5. Curb your enthusiasm. Stop doing more than the trainer and your brain tell you to. OCDs do not win. They just go home and ice things.

 

Tell Your Arts Story

Kathy Waller:

Awesome post. Awesome poster.

Originally posted on Ramona DeFelice Long:

RamonaGravitarIn 1965, President Lyndon Johnson signed the National Foundation on the Arts and the Humanities Act, and so created two agencies dedicated to the development and preservation of arts, culture, and history in the U.S.

On September 29, 2015, the National Endowment for the Arts and the National Endowment for the Humanities will celebrate their 50th birthdays. If you are an artist or historian, you are invited to be part of this celebration.

The NEA has issued an invitation to artists to share how art influences and inspires you, your family, your community. The project is called Tell Us Your Story. You can submit an essay, audio, video, and photos. In September, the NEA will begin posting stories on their website.

As the grateful recipient of fellowships and grants funded in part by the NEA, I wrote an essay and submitted it. I was thrilled when, last week, the…

View original 71 more words

From Play to Publication Panel

Originally posted on Sisters in Crime ~ Heart of Texas Chapter:

We were fortunate to have our very own members read from their stories in the anthology Murder On Wheels: Kathy Waller, Gale Albright, VP Chandler, and Scott Montgomery. They also shared their experiences in writing, editing, and submitting their stories for publication. BookPeople will host a book launch for Murder On Wheels in July (date not yet chosen).

View original

So What Else Is New?

To do two things at once is to do neither.

~ Publilius Syrus, in Moral Sayings (1st Century B. C.)

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

~ Ecclesiastes 1:9, Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV)

*

Quotation from Publilius Syrus is taken from Oxymoronica: Paradoxical Wit and Wisdom from History’s Greatest Wordsmiths, by Dr. Mardy Grothe.

It’s a Mystery: Malice Domestic 2015

Kathy Waller:

My belated report on Malice Domestic is on Writing Wranglers and Warriors. With lots of pictures.

Originally posted on Writing Wranglers and Warriors:

0kathy-blog

Post by Kathy Waller

*******

Malice Domestic Mystery Convention 2015. Hyatt Regency, Bethesda, Maryland. Malice Domestic Mystery Convention 2015. Hyatt Regency, Bethesda, Maryland.

Sunday afternoon, May 4, 2015
Malice Domestic Convention Day 4
I should go to the Agatha Tea and Closing Ceremonies. It starts in ten minutes.
But after a plane trip, a ride on the Washington, D. C. Metro,
days of intense workshopping, nights of sleep deprivation,
I am just conventioned out.
Anyway, I forgot my gloves.
So while others sip tea and engage in polite conversation,
I shall sit in the bar, on this squishy couch,
and rest, and write.

Sisters in Crime Guppy Chapter Breakfast Sisters in Crime Guppy Chapter Breakfast

Seeing so many people in love with books–specifically, with mysteries–is exciting.
The convention has been, to employ a cliche because I’m too tired to come up with something original, a whirlwind of activity. I’ll have to look at my program notes to remember what I’ve done.
Two things, however, are burned into my…

View original 867 more words