Him: I emailed you a picture.
Me: Of what?
Him: Look at the picture.
Me: Okay. But what is it?
Him: It’s in the kitchen. Just look at the picture.
Me: [Looking at picture] THAT’S IN THE KITCHEN?
Him: Uh-huh. I put a bowl over it.
Me: WHAT KIND IS IT?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: [Seeing no rattles and defaulting to lowercase] It’s probably a good, helpful snake. But it’s still a snake.
Him: I’m surprised it stayed still long enough for me to put the bowl over it. I don’t know what to do. I could call maintenance. Or try to rehome it myself.
Me: CALL MAINTENANCE.
Him: [Hanging up phone] They say it’s not an emergency.
Me: If I’d reported it, it would be an emergency. I’d have talked in capital letters.
Him: I guess I’ll go to Walmart.
Me: Will they send somebody?
Him: Yeah. In a couple of hours.
Exit Him.
Me: I guess I’ll memorialize the event in a blog post.
Snake: Two hours? These idiots are going to keep me stuck in this dinkey little kitchen for two hours? I’ve got to get back down to the creek. The family will start to worry. Austin: people crowding in, buildings shooting up, concrete and asphalt creeping across the natural landscape, exhaust fumes fouling the air. Progress. This town sure ain’t what it used to be.
Later.
Him: I sent you another picture. For size comparison.
Me: [Looking at picture] Maybe capital letters weren’t warranted after all.
***
Him did not really hang up the phone. Him pressed a button. But old language dies hard, and in my posts, phones are still hung up.
M. K. Waller 