Him: I emailed you a picture.
Me: Of what?
Him: Look at the picture.
Me: Okay. But what is it?
Him: It’s in the kitchen. Just look at the picture.
Me: [Looking at picture] THAT’S IN THE KITCHEN?
Him: Uh-huh. I put a bowl over it.
Me: WHAT KIND IS IT?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: [Seeing no rattles and defaulting to lowercase] It’s probably a good, helpful snake. But it’s still a snake.
Him: I’m surprised it stayed still long enough for me to put the bowl over it. I don’t know what to do. I could call maintenance. Or try to rehome it myself.
Me: CALL MAINTENANCE.
Him: [Hanging up phone] They say it’s not an emergency.
Me: If I’d reported it, it would be an emergency. I’d have talked in capital letters.
Him: I guess I’ll go to Walmart.
Me: Will they send somebody?
Him: Yeah. In a couple of hours.
Exit Him.
Me: I guess I’ll memorialize the event in a blog post.
Snake: Two hours? These idiots are going to keep me stuck in this dinkey little kitchen for two hours? I’ve got to get back down to the creek. The family will start to worry. Austin: people crowding in, buildings shooting up, concrete and asphalt creeping across the natural landscape, exhaust fumes fouling the air. Progress. This town sure ain’t what it used to be.
Later.
Him: I sent you another picture. For size comparison.
Me: [Looking at picture] Maybe capital letters weren’t warranted after all.
***
Him did not really hang up the phone. Him pressed a button. But old language dies hard, and in my posts, phones are still hung up.
M. K. Waller 
You forgot the ending!! What happened to the little snakelette? Is it still there? Did maintenance come? (Sorry, that should have been in ALL CAPS!)
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Maintenance came about five minutes ago and removed him. Slid a thin piece of cardboard under him and carried him out with bowl still covering him. The young man was nice enough not to laugh when he saw what he’d been called in to protect us from.
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Whew! I hope you get the bowl back.
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I was wrong. They inserted snake into a 10″x13″ envelope secured to a clipboard. The bowl went into the dishwasher. Watching from a distance with my view partially obscured, I didn’t see what I thought I did.
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No matter the size, it is still a SNAKE IN THE KITCHEN!!! Notice the exclamation points. (Reminds me of Elaine in Seinfeld when she broke up with Jake Jarmel over the fact that he didn’t use exclamation points when he took a message for her.)
I cannot even look properly at a snake and for that matter at a picture of a snake. Hard to believe I’ve chosen to live in Africa. However, there are still fewer snakes around here than there were at the Hardeman farm in Bugscuffle, Texas.
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I agree. It’s still a snake in the kitchen. I was guilted into holding a python several years ago–the storytime lady asked if I’d like to hold the visiting snake, and with a bunch of Head Start kids watching, how could I say NO?–and found it quite soft, not scaly at all. I was lucky in that I got to hold the rear; my assistant held the front end, and it was a cool day, and the snake kept trying to crawl inside her jacket.
I didn’t know y’all had a farm at Bugscuffle. All I know about Bugscuffle is that Miss Bessie McCutchan taught there. I’ve put Bugscuffle Road in the novel I’ve been writing forever. I’ve sort of put Miss Bessie in it, too. Not really her, but bits and pieces–her aura, so to speak.
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Good grief! What kind was it? Sometimes the little ones are the most poisonous!
Thinking helpful ‘go-away’snake’ thoughts!
Patti
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I don’t know what it was, but they’re not uncommon around here. We live up the hill from a creek, only yards from where the brush begins, so everything from snakes to possums to deer come visiting. Thanks for the no-snakes thoughts. A possum in the kitchen wouldn’t have caused so much commotion.
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EEEEEEEK!!!
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Aw, he’s kind of cute!
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He was cute. Never thought I’d say that, but after seeing all the online pix of cute little snakes wearing cute little crocheted hats, I’ve developed a soft spot for the rattle-less kind. Except when they’re loose in the kitchen.
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😂😂😂 What a cute little sneaky snake! I hope everything turned out ok for everyone involved. 😊
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It turned out okay for us–we got new weatherstripping on the front door. I think it turned out okay for the snake. There’s plenty of wilderness here for wildlife to roam, or slither, in. Every so often we’ll be walking down the sidewalk and David will say, “There’s a snake,” and I’ll levitate.
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😂😂😂 What a cute little sneaky snake! I hope everything turned out ok for everyone involved. 😊
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Oh my goodness!
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Yes. Not what I expected to see before breakfast. Or after.
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